It Wasn't Supposed to Go Like That

Almost grasping lyrics of a song you can't quite remember but can't stop from running through your head- it wasn't supposed to be this way. You weren't supposed to really be in love with him, especially not for real, especially not alone. You weren't supposed to realize this, as though you were tricked into forgetting those other times, across the world and without hands and mouths and moans to make you forget. Nothing to distract you from recognizing reality and nothing to stop you from still clinging to that complete and ridiculous fantasy. Because after coming out of that sinking certainty that you know you need to believe, you think about words he really did say and things he really did do, as though these could erase all of the things his silence says.

It doesn't seem fair that the dancer has a perfect body and an ugly face and a boy who loves her completely even as she pulls away. It doesn't seem fair that you could love him and waste away for him all the while wondering, and knowing, why he couldn't love you back.


It wasn't supposed to hurt this bad.