So there's this guy...

Of course. :)

[Disclaimer- this is an EPIC post, but necessary to understand the entity that is Jake]

Only it's actually a rather significant development...I haven't given guys a second glance for months. At least not in a "maybe we could actually have something" way- no one said "omghe'ssohot" was out of the question. I think it was that whole, "I don't even care about guys right now, I don't have time," phase- only most girls just say that to feel better about their lack of dating options (been there too), but this time I actually really didn't care. Yeah, it was a boring, lustless life there for a long, long while. Trust me. Long. Time.

Anyway, so imagine my dismay when, after moving into a house with guys this semester (oh the evils of living with girls), I noticed him. One of my roommates. Whom I'd met before for literally three minutes and thought nothing of. I was in the middle of moving in and was unloading some things from my car- he had just gotten back from Christmas holiday and was sitting on the couch, TV on, eating something I think. I walked in, my arms full, probably of trashbags full of closet items I've still yet to unpack, and, as I looked up from opening the door and wrestling over the threshold, I saw him.

He grinned and said, "Hey, what's up?" or something along those lines. And all I thought was...

Oh shit.

I was done- in the span of several hours I went from unabashed nonchalance, totally uncaring about moving in with guys, to noticing the incredible color of his eyes (a blue that changes from dark turquoise- my favorite color...like, really?- to a stormy grey, like the Atlantic in a winter storm), the adorable way he talks that almost sounds like he's cutting himself short at the ends of phrases, like a stutter, only not, that he was smart and funny and...you get the idea. I was ruined from the start.

I tried like hell to not actually like him. Innocent flirtations were fine with me, as long as I convinced myself there were no real feelings. But then the weeks of cuddling on the couch, "accidentally" taking afternoon naps together, and even sleeping (literally) together started taking a toll- and by that I mean that yes, all those things happened, but it didn't start to take a toll after weeks: more like several days. I was a 7th grade girl- the biggest crush you've ever seen. Ever. Embarrassingly so. You know that girl that talks about the guy she likes ALL THE TIME? Yeah. That was me. Sweet.

I knew what I was setting myself up for- he'd start talking to another girl, or even worse, bring one home, and I'd be sitting there, alone and upset, and it would all be my fault anyway. I knew better but kept, halfheartedly, insisting that I really didn't like him. And then, last week, he mentioned his plans to meet a girl downtown and I got that sinking, sick, flushed feeling. That brick-sliding-down-your-stomach feeling you got when you knew your high school boyfriend was breaking up with you/cheating on you and there was nothing you could do to stop it.

I blinked back tears that whole week. Juliet (a friend) even suggested we make a list of all his flaws and try to make me hate him- which didn't work so well. You know you're in trouble when all your biggest pet peeves are forgotten when he smiles. I tried to keep my distance, for my own sake, but he knew something was wrong and kept trying to put me in a better mood- shoulder rubs, silly jokes, asking if everything was ok. Which might seem, "aw how sweet," of him right? Not so much. I was so angry with him! Beyond pissed, more than I'd ever been before on this certain subject. How could he not tell, how could he not see me? Why act that way at all if he felt nothing for me, even if only a physical thing?

By the weekend I'd convinced myself that he was just using me as a girl, as a warm body (who was, quite honestly, just needing something, anything), and that I either needed to accept that or cut myself off completely (right). In an attempt to distract myself, I went downtown with friends Friday night- as luck, or his intuitively finding a way to upset me, would have it, we ended up at the same bar and left for home together, me barely speaking and him acting bewildered as to what he'd done wrong.

At this point, to be completely honest, I was more pissed than anything that he just hadn't made a move. I wanted him, plain and simple, and even if he didn't actually care about me, he had to know that that's what was up. Come on. He may be a guy, a rather smart one even, but they can't play stupid in that department. No ma'am.

After getting home and changing into pajamas, I tried to ignore him lounging on the couch with the pretense of making Spaghettios (I'm 5, it's fine). Until he waved me over to him. And, after some comment I can't recall, and a telltale (or so I hoped) glance at my lips, kissed me. Lightly, just a quick peck.

I'm pretty sure I glared at him then. :) Whoops. I think my thoughts were, "Really? Is that all you've got?"

More telltale glances- and then a real kiss. Which eventually turned into a bedroom marathon until 1 o'clock in the afternoon the next day.

You remember that episode of Grey's where Izzie is talking about the "beast" having been asleep for so long, and now it's awake and wants to be fed? Exactly.

Ok. Maybe not the ideal beginning to a relationship. But who said it's even a relationship? Certainly not Jake, that's for sure. So I won't take it like one. Maybe that seems un-classy to some, but I'm not making apologies- if he wants something more, he'll make that clear; if not, I'm certainly still enjoying myself. I want to have fun and not agonize over this, if I can help it. Besides, there hasn't been anything awkward about it (yet...so hoping that doesn't change) and the idea of having a "talk" like that makes me cringe.

I know. This probably won't work. This will probably have disastrous consequences. I might completely fall for this guy and he might think of me as a fuck buddy. He might start seeing someone else and drop me or I'll have to witness him with someone else because we're nothing official and no one knows. Honestly, I'm trying to ignore all of those possibilities. Maybe I'm stooping, but I'm not sure that a real relationship is what I want right now- how exactly would you do that when you live with the person anyway? Maybe that's a lie and maybe I'm willing to be with him at any level, which I know will have an outcome I can't face.

How funny that just days ago I joked about needing a dangerous, bad-for-me relationship to get it out of my system before I even thought about settling down. But til one or the other play out...I'm reveling in him, crawling into my bed to wake me with the best alarm clock ever invented.